If you like humor, you will like Don Mills. He lives in Pleasantville, USA. His satirical blog embodies the problems faced by the old and young alike. He doesn’t seem to be the type to follow you, but he does have over 1.4 million followers.
Unfortunately, one of the funniest blogs I’ve ever had the pleasure to read seems dead. Could be that Don Mills is dead, since he was the cranky ole’ man featured in the blog “The Problem with Young People Today Is . . . “. Fortunately, this ‘crabby old fart’ has a list of ’41 problems with young people’ that will leave you with just a few side-stitches.
Who can resist reading some of his more famous bullet points:
- they’re so damned disrespectful
- they’re godless heathens
- they talk about politics
- They have terrible posture
- They all swear like sailors
- they pierce their damned faces
- they’re all video game addicts
- they’re all fat-assed
- they all have disorders
- they listen to rap music
- they sleep all day
- they all have cell phones
- they’re all unisexed freaks
- they won’t move out!
- they refuse to work for a living
Don has not graced the page of his blog since 2012. It doesn’t really stop me, however, from going back and getting a good laugh. Yes,what Don wrote about in 2012 is still true in 2016 and should be fresh for years to come.
You see, Don is from the old school. You know, when kids were tough, unlike these soft kids of today.
“We had to be hard – conditions demanded it. There was no room for mollycoddling and teenaged slackassery. We couldn’t lie around in our underpants all day levelling up in Donkey Kong and text messaging our idiot friends. We were too busy rendering sheep fat, toting ice blocks and extracting our own teeth for that kind of foolishness. Our “down time” was getting dressed up in flour sack suits and attending the funerals of siblings who had died of dust pneumonia.” (God Damned Young People Need to Toughen the Hell Up)
Some of my favorite Don posts include the ones with charts and comparisons. Like how life in the ‘Damned Good old Days’ compared to life in the ‘ Damned Modern Days’
“Charts don’t lie and neither do old people. You young people are in a Hell of a mess.” (Life Cycle of a Damned Young Person)
There is so much informational pearls of wisdom on Don’s blog, it’s too bad he is no longer posting advice.
Some of the best advice is in the form of an informational brochure on how to select an Assisted Living Facility. (Making the Move to Assisted Living: A Guide for Anxious Seniors) Who knew that we should always ask for the credentials of the staff. Sure, choosing the right assisted living facility for us seniors can be hard enough.
“Just because they dress like nurses doesn’t mean they’ve graduated high school or haven’t been to prison. Remember, if the staff doesn’t know the difference between anemia and enema, you’ll be the one paying for it in the end.” (Sizing up the staff)
Of course, one of the best instructional guides ever written is the one every teen or young person should read. A must for any budding teen who would like to really understand grandpa or grandma. The preverbial guide for “nitwit young people” on how to interact with seniors. (How to Interact with Seniors – A guide for Nitwit Young People)
After your visit with grandma or grampy, don’t forget lesson 3.
The tweens and teens are the brunt of his frustration. But , hey, there is a plethora of information on Don’s site for young people. Like how to dress . (How to Dress – A Guide for Nitwit Young People).
Who knew that it’s really better to wear a button down shirt than a T-shirt? Or the real scoop on jewlery. The only real metal that young people should wear is a “wedding ring, pocket watch or inoperable shrapnel.” It’s refreshing to heed Don’s advice:
“Do yourself a favor and pull the studs out of your nose, ears, eyelids and tongue; Melt them down, forge yourself a hammer and use it to beat some damned sense into yourself.”
I hope you enjoy this iconic blog.
Donald Mills is old and crabby . . . he may also be dead.
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